


A New Foundation

by vega_voices



Series: Come Rain, Come Shine [43]
Category: Murphy Brown (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-27
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-08-08 06:57:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16424561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vega_voices/pseuds/vega_voices
Summary: Why had they broken up again?





	A New Foundation

**Title:** A New Foundation  
**Author:** vegawriters  
**Fandom:** Murphy Brown  
**Series:** Come Rain, Come Shine  
**Pairing:** Murphy Brown/Peter Hunt  
**Rating:** M  
**Timeframe:** Mid 8th season  
**A/N:** It’s here! I promise! We get to stop wanting to bash their heads together!  
**Disclaimer:** I don’t make any money from this, I swear. I’ve made some new friends though. And had a lot of really in depth conversations about Jake, Jerry, and Peter and the narratives they uphold and the ones we should try to subvert.

 **Summary:** _Why had they broken up again?_

It was supposed to get easier. All that happened was that it was easier to fake it to Frank and the crew. She went to lunch, made the appropriate rounds, her stories were tight as ever. She pretended not to hear the teasing at the Press Club - of course Peter Hunt wanted something else, after all. Why tie down the hottest man in broadcasting? Everyone should get a turn, right?

Avery adapted. Kids did that. She knew he missed Peter, she saw him coloring in the books Peter had given him, and he never put the lobster down. But he was happy to play and after the first couple of weeks, he stopped acting out at school. Life went on, after all.

Life went on.

It always amazed her how the day to day continued, even with a broken heart. She always wanted to stop and scream and ask how on earth anyone could keep moving forward. But she did. She did.

Fran had been a surprising godsend. The day after Peter left for the Middle East, Murphy had arrived at the office to find a fresh cup of tea and a one-sheet on the situation over there. Since then, it was a daily rundown, left quietly with a cup of tea. Murphy wouldn’t have known it was her except for the morning she’d come in early because she couldn’t sleep and their devoted copy editor had been coming out of her office.

“All quiet,” she’d said, offering a smile.

Murphy so appreciated that she hadn’t offered a shoulder or said something empty like “let me know if you need anything.” Murphy didn’t want to open up or talk to anyone. She wanted her fiance back. But seeing the daily rundown kept her slightly sane. Slightly. It at least made her able to talk to her coworkers like a rational adult. And if they noticed she wasn’t hanging out quite so much as she had before, well, Miles and Corky were doing whatever they were doing and Frank had a girlfriend and it was okay.

***

The letter surprised the hell out of her. Battered and beaten, she realized quickly it had been lost in the ether of mail delivery. He’d sent it right after he proposed. Right …

She waited until Avery was in bed and Reena was out at her book club. Shivering, she curled up in her chair in the library and gingerly opened the torn pages. She was supposed to be packing for Toronto and the World Bank story, but here she was, feeling her heart break all over again.

_Murphy,_

_God. You said yes. You said yes. I’m still in shock, you know, that you want to be with a guy like me. You said yes. I swear to god I haven’t come back to Earth._

_What a difference this time makes. Two years ago, you wanted to punch me. You did punch me. Now, you said yes._

_Tears swam in her eyes and she tucked her knees up, pressing her forehead to them. She was so tired of crying. A breakup wasn’t supposed to hurt like this. Not all these months later. But she still reached for Peter in the middle of the night. She hadn’t even taken his number off of speed dial._

_I love you. That’s all this letter is saying. I love you. I love you so much and I feel like taking all the pressure out of the relationship is what let that happen._

_If we’re still gonna crash and burn, let’s do it loud and perfectly. With friends watching._

_I love you._

She hadn’t needed a drink this badly in years. Her feet moved, almost of their own accord. To her purse, get her keys, grab her wallet. She was at the door, her eyes on Avery’s little denim jacket, before she realized what she was doing. She’d have walked right out and left him alone.

Shaking, she reached over and picked up the phone.

“Hey, Doris?” she asked as the one friend who had been able to get her through this picked up. “Can you come over? I need someone right now.”

***

Over the third cup of tea, her tears finally stopped. Doris was being so patient. “I feel like such an idiot,” Murphy muttered, wiping her eyes.

“You love him,” Doris countered, pouring them another cup of tea. “Murphy, it’s okay to admit it. And admit that you screwed up.”

“I did screw up. God. The dream I had about him last night it was so real. I keep looking to see black orchids in the bud vase. I felt him kiss me and hold me. I felt it.” She tugged her hand through her hair. “I woke up and I called him but his machine picked up.”

“When is he due home?”

“I’m not sure. Soon. He said he’d call when he got back.” Murphy sighed. “I just … God. This is dumb and I know it’s dumb. I’m so sorry for dragging you over here.”

“You’re an idiot.” Doris shook her head. “Murphy, I love you, and you’re an idiot. You know better than this. Call his editor, find out exactly when he’s home, and talk to him. You said when he came home, you were going to do that. So, for God’s sake, stick to your plan.”

Murphy wiped her eyes and laughed. “You’re right. I know you’re right. I just … that letter threw me for such a loop.” She sighed. “What if he doesn’t want me anymore?”

“Honey, I saw how that man looked at you. He’s loving you forever.”

“What if love isn’t forever?”

“Shut up.” Doris gathered their mugs and stood up to wash them. “Now. I’m going home. You are going to bed and in the morning, things will feel better.”

Murphy nodded. “Thank you. I mean it. Thank you. I scared myself tonight.”

“Tomorrow it might be good for you to go to a meeting if you can.”

Murphy nodded. “You’ve got a point.” She took a deep breath and stood up, shaking her head. “Jesus Christ. You’re right. He’s home soon. We promised to talk when he got home.”

“So stop being such a fatalist.” Doris rolled her eyes at her. “I’m going home.”

Murphy smiled. “Thanks, Doris.”

“Call your sponsor.”

Murphy nodded. “I will. Thanks.”

***

“So you want to tell me what happened?” Matthew was stretched out on his couch, looking at the photo of Avery. “You two were made of something special and now you’re here, five beers deep. What’s wrong?”

“She miscarried.” Peter let out a breath. God, he’d needed to tell someone. Anyone. He hadn’t been expecting his brother to be in town when he got off the airplane, but he was and this conversation was far more necessary than even calling Murphy.

“Wait, what? Peter … why didn’t you say anything?”

“We were waiting until after the wedding to tell everyone but she miscarried and … it just kind of …”

“Shit, Peter. I’m sorry.”

Peter set his beer down and picked up the photo of Avery. “I know exactly what is in her head right now and she won’t talk to me.”

“What’s going on?”

“She’s convinced herself that she isn’t enough. That she and Avery aren’t enough. God, Matt, I love this kid like … he’s mine, okay? I don’t even think about the fact that his asshole father is out there. He’s mine. And he’s more than enough for me. I was excited for a baby, but you know what, if the doctor had told us for Murphy’s health we needed to terminate … I’d have made my peace with it. And it looked like we were getting somewhere and then her ex husband - Avery’s biological father - showed up and told her his girlfriend was pregnant. This guy who has never wanted a relationship with Avery suddenly wants one and he’s sticking by the girlfriend. She was devastated.”

“Shit.”

Peter appreciated the commentary. “Whenever I tried to talk about it, she just shut down.” Peter rubbed his eyes.

“How far along was she?”

“Eight weeks, if the doctor was right.”

“Long enough to know, just enough to hurt like hell.”

“Exactly.” Peter let out a breath.

“Mel and I went through this, after Cassie, actually.” Matthew offered. Peter swung his head around. “We didn’t want to tell anyone because it feels really strange talking to your family and friends about a miscarriage at six weeks. Mel didn’t even know she was pregnant, actually, but suddenly she was gushing all this blood and …” he sighed. “Murphy’s seven years older than you, bro. You know it’s hitting her hard that you two won’t have kids of your own. You have to respect that.”

“Matt, I’m so sorry. I … why didn’t …”

“It hurts. Mel still gets twisted up over it sometimes. And then she hates herself because she was only six weeks along so she feels like she shouldn’t care so much.”

“God …” Peter sighed.

“The miscarriage really screwed me and Mel up for a while. But I saw you two together and there’s no damn reason you two shouldn’t have gotten hitched.” He took a breath. “You know, sometimes, relationships just end. But I don’t feel like you two were that couple.”

“Me either.” Peter picked up the photo of Murphy. “I love her. Her and Avery. And I don’t … he’s mine, you know.”

“Seriously, man, if I didn’t know better, I’d think you were his biological father. He even looks like you. That’s what I thought when we first met them, you know. That you’d just kept them from us.”

“I wish …” Peter sighed. “Better me than Jake Lowenstein.”

“Dude! Avery’s dad is that radical activist? That’s nuts! And … kind of fits for Murphy, I guess.”

Peter actually laughed at that. “Yeah. And if he wasn’t a complete jackass when it came to Avery, I’d like the guy.” He groaned. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. So. Where do you guys stand?”

“I’m not sure. I said I’d call when I got home, but you’re here so I’ll call her in the morning.” He rubbed his eyes. “Maybe I should just move on…”

“Is that what you really want?”

“No …” Peter sighed. “No.”

“Do you still want to get married?”

“I never didn’t. I just felt like she was pulling away and I got scared.”

“What was your dream wedding? Not what you two were planning but what did you want?”

“Honestly?”

“Yeah.”

“Something simple and then a party at a park where Avery and his friends could play. Pizza and ice cream, because that’s what Avery wanted for dinner the night we told him we were getting married. And a honeymoon in a place where we don’t have to run from bombs but where are there no phones so that we can’t be reached.”

“So, do it.”

“Mom wanted flower girls. Corky wanted lace. Her dad wanted to walk her down the aisle, which was it’s whole other thing …”

Matthew laughed. “God, for two exceptional adults you are both so damn impressionable. Just do what you want. It sounds like you should take the kid, elope, and then let everyone know later.”

“We talked about it.”

“Let me guess, you talked about it as a last ditch effort, when it felt like everything was falling apart and you weren’t sure where to go. And because it was a last ditch effort, and you’d convinced yourselves this was a bad idea, you didn’t even get off the couch?”

“You and Mel?”

“Mom wanted flower girls, remember. But at least we were smart and went through with it.”

Peter laughed. “God.”

Matthew tossed over the phone. “Call her.”

The line went to the machine, of course it would, she was in Toronto on the World Bank story and Reena screened calls. Suddenly though, he was at a loss for words. After all, didn’t half the marriages in the country end in divorce? Maybe he and Murphy were just destined to be on that half. So he hung up. “It doesn’t matter right now,” he said, tossing the phone back to Matthew. “And I’m not sure it does.”

“God, you’re an idiot.” His brother admonished. “But whatever.”

Peter sighed. Matthew was right. But it wasn’t as easy as a simple phone call. Not now. “She’s out of town. But I’ll call when she gets home. I swear.”

“You’d better. Cause I’m not watching you wither away into nothing. I’ll call her first.”

Peter laughed. “Yeah. I get ya.” He sighed. “Thanks.” He looked at the phone, picked it up again, and dialed. This time, when the machine picked it up, he spoke. “Hey, it’s me.” He got up and walked away from Matthew. “Give me a call when you get home, okay?” Before he could pour his heart onto answering machine tape, Peter hung up and looked back at his brother. “Step one, right?”

Matt just smiled.

***

Murphy was so tired. So ungodly tired. She hadn’t been this tired since she was pregnant. She was exhausted after Toronto, she knew full well she’d been manipulated by both Stan and Andrew to get what they wanted on this damn infotainment show that was now being set up, and Miles had decided to pull the plug on a sexual harassment story involving journalists covering the Senate because there just wasn’t enough hard fact to go on. Her first chance to sit down all day and Avery’s preschool had called. They suspected he had strep, which meant an emergency trek to the doctor and a couple of days at home with him until he wasn’t contagious anymore while he wailed and wanted Daddy. His pouting during Peter’s absence had ramped up to full on tantrums. The sole of the heels she’d donned this morning had cracked and she could barely walk in them and of course she’d worn her backups home after the show the other night. And, her period was on. Of course it was. Her first one since since her knees had buckled in the shower and she watched, helplessly, as the water washed blood clots away. She just wanted a hot shower and, not for the first time recently, an entire bottle of jack. Washing her face in the bathroom sink would have to do.

She had a child to go pick up from daycare and get to a doctor’s appointment. Of course she’d given Reena the week off so she could visit Eldin. Was it possible to just magically recall someone from Spain?

Stepping into the elevator, Murphy was hit by the familiar smell of old spice and leather. She looked up, into his eyes, and stopped breathing. Of course he’d be here. Of course. Because he’d left a message for her she hadn’t returned and she’d left a message for him that he hadn’t returned and now they were just here in each other’s presence and he looked so good and she just wanted to die because she should have his grandmother’s ring on her finger and they should be learning about the sex of the baby and this just wasn’t happening today. It just couldn’t. Not today.

“Hey …” he whispered. His voice moved through her, sad and tender and she could see the pain in his eyes. Didn’t anyone else see it when he stood on that tank or ducked that missile or just leaned into the camera with his commentary? Why had they broken up again?

Nothing made sense right now.

She swallowed. One tear, one damn tear escaped and he reached forward and brushed it aside with his thumb before pulling her into his arms. Instinct had her arms around him, her face buried in his neck, her fingers digging into the back of his jacket. For the ride from the seventeenth floor to the lobby, they stood, silently, the universe somehow not allowing anyone else into their bubble.

She felt his chest expand, felt the intake of breath and the beginning of a word. She lifted her head, her eyes meeting his, and for just the briefest of moments, his lips touched hers, his hand moving up her back, cradling her neck and shoulder.

She missed this. She missed him. She missed the normalcy in her life when he could touch her hand and lessen the stress. She should be able to call him and ask if he could pick up Avery and take him to the doctor and bitch to him about Andrew and Lansing and bounce story ideas off of him over dinner. And the worst part was that even if they had gotten married, she’d still have spent the last two months alone. It just wouldn’t have been with this heartbreak weighing on her.

She needed to say something.

Instead, the door dinged open and she stepped back, her hand lingering for just a moment on his torso. Tears swam in his eyes and she took a shaky breath and stepped away. This was for the better. He deserved better. She crossed the lobby toward the parking garage elevator, refusing to look behind her. Yes, they’d promised to talk when he got home, but it wasn’t like they’d followed through with that. Tomorrow she could call him. Right now, she needed to go get Avery. But she could sense his eyes on her back, feel his arms around her even as she made her way to the garage.

***

The voice that caught his attention was not the voice he’d been expecting. At all.

Since seeing Murphy in the elevator, feeling her cling to him, he’d known something was just wrong. She looked so tired. But it wasn’t anything he could fix. She’d made that clear. He knew in his heart that if they could just sit down together and talk, they’d make it work, but he wasn’t sure how to even start. Even today it felt like they were just so far apart.

This was stupid. He’d called her, she’d called him, they just hadn’t connected. So what the hell had just happened? Why had that felt so somber? They were going to talk when he got back from the Middle East so why hadn’t she taken the time to even say hi?

Maybe what he’d done that day they’d fought over Jake was weighing on her more than she had admitted. She’d had time to think since then, since the conversation in the coffee shop when their fingers had linked, loosely, while they talked about Avery.

Maybe he should take another look at the CNN offer. If they couldn’t figure this out, he needed to move on and getting out of this building, out of this network, was the first step. Hell, maybe if they did figure it out he’d go. A change wasn’t a bad thing.

She’d never told him no, but he couldn’t rest easy even now. It didn’t matter how many mortar shells he dodged in the West Bank or how many border guards he convinced not to kill him, it didn’t take away from the guilt. He shouldn’t have been so rough. He should have understood better her fears. About the miscarriage, about Jake. He should have taken a breath.

Instead, he’d walked out the door, said goodbye to his son, and headed back into the fray.

She looked so tired, so broken. Her hair was limp, her blouse rumpled, her purse barely balanced on her shoulder. He watched her take a breath, watched her raise her eyes, and in that moment, nothing else mattered. She watched the anguish and the questions cross her face. He watched the single tear form at the corner of her eye and reached out to brush it away. Her shoulders buckled and he reached for her, pulling her into his arms, and between floors 15 and 3, everything made sense again. She was there, with him, clinging to him, and as she pulled back, ever so slightly, he looked down and their lips touched. Just the briefest hint of a kiss, but it was contact and he needed to cling to her and hold her so tightly even as she buried her face in his neck.

But the door opened. The spell was broken.

She ran her fingers down his torso and moved off the elevator, into the lunchtime crowd in the lobby. Every instinct told him to follow her and he did, at first, racing down the stairs that led to the parking garage, to where the doors opened out to her parking space. But she was already in her car, already backing out, and he just watched her drive away and did the logical thing - he went across the street to Phil’s.

Fuck.

He had to fix this.

So when the door to Phil’s opened, Peter ignored it. He also ignored the presence of the veteran newsman who came up next to him, until Jim Dial spoke. “This has gone on long enough, young man.”

“What?” Peter looked up from his beer. “I’m sorry. But, pardon?”

Jim gestured to the booth bench across from him. Peter nodded. Phil brought over Jim’s usual drink and walked away. “It isn’t like me to interfere in the personal lives of those I care about,” Jim began. “But you see, with Murphy … she’s like a younger sister to me.”

“She loves you very much,” Peter returned. Where was this going? “She told me how you saved her life.”

Jim smiled and ducked his head. “She saved her own life by asking for help.” He took a breath and looked up at Peter. “Son, I know.” He sighed. “I know about the miscarriage. I know that’s why Murphy called off the wedding.”

Peter paled and looked down, quickly, at his beer. “I didn’t think anyone but the two of us knew.”

Another deep breath. “Doris was the one to drive her to the doctor on the day … but she’ll take Murphy’s secrets to her grave. I put the pieces together on my own. Even I haven’t spoken to Murphy about this. I don’t feel it’s my …. Place.”

Peter shook his head. “It’s not just the miscarriage. But … yeah, that was what started all of this.”

“Do you love her?” Jim asked.

“Yes,” Peter came back, his voice barely a whisper.

“And do you miss her every minute you’re away from her?”

“Yes.”

“And is part of the reason you do what you do because you know that in the end, the world might be a slightly safer place for her and that little boy you love so much?”

Peter choked, just slightly. “Yes.”

“I’ve been married a long time, Peter. And at times, I admit I’ve lost my way in my marriage. At times, I’ve taken Doris for granted, or let my eye wander to the raven hair of another. Only my eyes, mind you. But after all these years, I still feel about her the way … well …” Jim’s tone softened. “The way one can tell how you feel about Murphy. It’s in the way you look at her, the way I’ve watched you two together. I’ve known Murphy Brown a long time, and you are the first man who has ever made me think she could finally find happiness with another.”

Peter raised his head, defiance rising in his blood. “So why was it when we called off the wedding, no one - including you - offered support? The way I hear it, you were all laughing about it.”

“No one was surprised, Peter, because we know Murphy.”

“You know the parts of her she wants you to see.”

Silence. Jim blushed and looked at his drink. “You have a point.”

“How did you find out about the baby?”

“I put it together. Doris yelled at me, and I realized she had the same look in her eye when Doris miscarried her final time.” Peter blinked. Jim nodded. “Yes. We’ve been through the pain ourselves. And it almost ruined the marriage. The guilt, the pain, the wondering if I could have done something differently.”

“If I hadn’t taken that trip to Saudi Arabia …” Peter groaned. “But our splitting up, it isn’t just over the baby.”

“No. It’s about fear.” Jim leveled him with a look. “You’re as scared as she is. You and Murphy have a choice to continue building the life you’ve started building together. Or, you can wallow in self-pity and be miserable and drift from place to place and person to person. But I know that for the past two years, Murphy Brown was the happiest I’d ever seen her. Until the wedding was called off. Peter, the woman at your bachelor party was not a woman looking to end a marriage.”

That made him feel better. And worse. What the hell had happened that night to set her off?

“So you’re saying I should go talk to her …” he sighed. “She looked so tired in the elevator today.”

“It’s been a long week for her. And, Avery is ill, as I understand it.”

“Wait. Avery’s sick?” Peter pushed his beer away. “Why didn’t she say anything? God.” He took a breath. “Jim … thank you.”

“Peter, don’t let Avery be the only reason you’re running to her.”

But he held up a hand. “The catalyst maybe. But you’re right. I can make a choice to try and be happy and … it’s time she and I had a real conversation.” Peter slid out of the booth. “Thank you.”

Jim just nodded.

***

Peter took off to his car, climbing in and stopping only once - for orange ice cream and chicken soup. He stopped in the cold and flu aisle for a long moment, but figured Murphy had the meds she needed and he’d only be adding to the clutter. Half an hour later he found a spot on Murphy’s street and hurried up to the door. She was probably going to kill him. He didn’t care.

From inside, he could hear Avery’s exhausted crying. Peter raised his hand and knocked, tempted to use his key but didn’t want to upset things any worse. The door opened to Murphy looking red eyed and harried. Avery sniffled on her shoulder, but the minute he saw him, reached out. “Daddy …” he rasped.

Peter’s own spilled over. Every single thing that had happened, every fight, the night when he’d all but assaulted Murphy, it vanished for just a moment as he pulled Avery into his arms and rocked him. “Hey buddy … hey, yeah. I’m here. I’m so sorry.”

He shushed Murphy, who looked ready to object to his presence, and walked in, handing her the bag of groceries. She glared at him and stormed into the kitchen, but he didn’t care. He was here and she could be mad to cover up how she really felt, but he’d held her in the elevator. He knew what she was feeling right now.

Avery broke into exhausted sobs, but they trailed off quickly. Murphy appeared next to them, holding a bottle of grape flavored children’s Tylenol. Peter took it and coaxed some of it into Avery.

“What do you know?” Murphy murmured as she sank down next to him, “It really was you he wanted. I just thought being sick was getting to both of us. God. How did you know?”

Peter just looked at her, took in her red eyes and slumped shoulders and just leaned over and kissed her. “I wish I could say I read your mind in the elevator. But, Jim told me about Avery.”

“Jim?” She raised an eyebrow.

“We ran into each other at Phil’s and we talked. He’s sick of seeing you sad. Which … okay. If you’re sad and I’m sad ...” Peter tried to smile, but the emotions were hitting too hard. “Murphy …”

She reached out and smoothed Avery’s hair. “Wait until he falls asleep.” They took turns reading Technicolor Highway until the fever and the painkillers kicked in and Avery finally fell into the exhausted sleep of sick children. Peter walked him to the nursery and tucked him into his bed before facing Murphy in the hallway.

“Thank you …” she murmured. “I just … I was worried if he didn’t stop crying we’d end up in the ER and I just wasn’t sure i had that in me tonight.”

“Murphy …” he said, pulling her into his arms.

She clung to him as she always had, her hands bunched around his back. Peter held her just as tightly. If he let go, she might disappear. His hand moved lower, pressing her hips against his, and she gasped as now, his mouth found hers.

“I can’t sleep either,” he whispered.

“Peter …”

“Tell me to leave, and I will …” He stroked her cheek. She took his hand and led him into the bedroom.

“I’m a disaster,” she mumbled.

“Me too,” he returned. That broke the ice and he kissed her again, and again, before she pulled back and met his eyes. “Peter …” her voice caught. “Peter …”

“Murphy?”

“Yeah?”

“Stop thinking.”

She laughed then, and the emotion touched her eyes. “Why couldn’t you have given me this advice months ago?” He grinned and pulled her back into the circle of his arms. She sighed. “Peter, I am a true disaster. I need a shower, I’m on my period … I’m going to take a shower and then … we can talk, okay? Like really, talk.”

He nodded, sliding his hand down her back, pressing her hips against his. If she wanted more, he wouldn’t have any problem with it. “I’ll go make some tea.”

“Thank you.” She kissed him and pulled away to duck into the shower.

***

A fresh change of pj’s and she almost felt human again. Peter was in the kitchen, tidying up and putting out something for her to snack on. She watched him work, wondering what he was doing here and if this was a first step or a last one.

He turned and smiled and held out a hand and she went willingly into his arms, inhaling the same scent from earlier, feeling him hold her just like he had before. This time, the kiss wasn’t sad and singular but built until he had her back against the counter, his arms around her, possessive as always. She tangled her hands in his hair as his lips moved to her neck, sucking on that spot that always drove her wild and she couldn’t stop from crying out as his tongue found the pulse point.

“Peter …” she moaned, not sure if she wanted him to stop or keep going. But either way, her voice broke the spell and he pulled back.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured. “But … I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too.” Her libido warred with the part of her that knew they needed to talk and not fuck. Her cycle was the perfect excuse, even though it had been so long that she just didn’t care. They hadn’t had sex since she lost the baby, hell, he’d barely touched her since then. Well, save for the night when she compared him to Jake and he’d thrown her down and pinned her to the couch before racing out - she knew he felt guilty. She knew he thought he’d hurt her.

“Maybe … we should try and talk?” He offered. “I mean, I made tea.”

She chuckled. “Not a bad idea. Away from flat surfaces, maybe.”

“Since when do we need flat surfaces?”

That broke the last of the tension and she giggled, reaching for him. He wrapped her in his arms and they laughed over nothing that had to do with what he’d said, until the laughter turned to tears and they slid down to the floor of the kitchen, leaning against the cupboards, holding each other while the sobs escaped. Months of pain, going back to a call from Saudi Arabia, to the fear in the doctor’s office, to the terror in a motel room.

Nothing had worked like they wanted it to.

“I’m so sorry,” Murphy found herself saying. “Peter, I’m so sorry.”

“For what?” He wiped her tears away. “God, for what any more? I’m so lost at where we are supposed to be angry at each other or hurting or … any of it.”

She stared at him. “Peter, I lost the baby.”

He stared at her like she’d grown a second head and suddenly she was confused. Wasn’t that what the root of all of this was? That she’d lost the baby? He’d pulled away after that. She’d followed suit.

“Jesus, Murphy. Why are you apologizing for the miscarriage?”

Silence. She still hadn’t used the word. Her doctor had, extensively. But she hadn’t. She’d lost the baby. It was an easier transition. Suddenly his arms were too claustrophobic and she jumped up, hurrying to fill mugs and busy her hands. Anything other than look at him and the word, the damn word, that had emerged from him. She’d lost the baby. And maybe if she kept looking, she’d find her again.

But Peter wasn’t having it. He stopped her, his hands on her hips, slowly pulling her back into his arms and she could feel his body heave with questions and fears and sobs and she wanted to push him away and send him home and she wanted to tear his clothes off and she wanted to go back to the moment she’d all but pushed him out the door without understanding what had just happened.

If she had gone to grab his jacket, would he still have left?

“I miss you so much,” she whispered, her nails digging into his hands. “I reach for you and I want to tell you about my day and Avery cries at night for you because he sees the news and thinks you get hurt and I don’t even know where my mind is any more. Peter …”

“I never wanted to go …”

The words cut through her. “Then why did you?” She turned and stared at him, pushing him back so she could see him. “Why did you go?”

“Because after a while, Murphy, I got tired of you not trusting that I wasn’t going anywhere. And when you compared me to Jake … I’m not him. I didn’t walk out on you and Avery. I proposed to you when I didn’t think you were pregnant and I meant every damn letter of every damn word. I’m a patient guy, but I needed to put my thoughts together. You weren’t sure you wanted to marry me.”

“I wasn’t pregnant …”

“We could have put the wedding on hold. It didn’t mean I didn’t love you any less. I wanted to give you time to recover. Give us time to recover. Murphy, we lost a baby.”

She pushed at him again, tears brimming over. “I lost the baby, Peter. I did. I stood there in the shower and I knew I should have called the doctor sooner but I was in so much shock because I knew it was too late when I got up. There was so much blood and you weren’t here and I was so scared …” her knees buckled and she went down, grabbing the counter for support. “You weren’t here and you wanted to push back the wedding and I might as well have been … you deserve someone younger, Peter. Someone who isn’t entering menopause and a mess and having hot flashes and cold sweats and … someone who can give you a baby. And don’t deny it -” she stared up at him. “You wanted that baby so much.”

Through her tears, she saw him pale and kneel down but she turned her head away. “Murphy,” his voice was soft. “Look at me.” She couldn’t. “Look at me.” He put his hand under her chin and turned her face to his. “I shouldn’t have made the suggestion the way I did but I wanted you to have time to heal. I wanted to talk to you about it, but by the time I came back from Saudi Arabia, you were so closed off. I couldn’t even talk to you about how I felt. The baby was just this thing between us. We’ve talked about everything that’s come up but we couldn’t talk about this. Yes, I wanted that baby. But I wanted the baby because you were her mother, not because I wanted a baby with anyone. I have a son. He’s upstairs asleep right now. Murphy, God … Honey, I never meant to fall in love with a pig headed single mother, but I did. And yeah, the chance that we could have had to have a baby was too good to be true but it was icing on our cake. I just wanted whatever life we have together.”

She choked on air and pulled her head away from those green eyes that always saw her so well and she didn’t know what to do other than wipe away her tears. She crashed down onto the floor, crossing her legs, and looked at him. “I’m sorry I compared you to Jake. You were leaving and I was pissed. It felt so familiar.”

“I’m not Jake. And I’m not Jerry. But, I also hurt you, Murphy …”

“What?” She stared at him. “When … Peter, I was fine.”

“You froze on me!”

She blinked at him. All she could remember was him suddenly pulling away and just, leaving.

“Look, I could have hurt you. And I … I refuse to be… like that.”

She never should have told him anything about what it was like to get where she got and what she dealt with. He really was too good a man for her. “Peter … I was fine.” She sighed. “I was pissed too, you know. A good hate fucking might have been good for us.”

A short laugh escaped him and he sank down next to her, taking her hand. “We’ve wasted five months, haven’t we?”

“I think so.”

“I miss you, Murphy. I really do.”

She leaned against him. “I miss you too. Every day I have to stand there and watch Corky and Miles do their stupid thing … you know they got married in the damn Cayman Islands?”

“What?!”

The exhausted, hysterical laughter started again.

“They took off after your party and ended up getting married and, last I checked, they still haven’t had sex yet.”

“WHAT?!” Peter rubbed his eyes. “And we’re here on the floor crying?”

She snorted. “Something tells me they might be too.” She looked at him. “So what do we do? Really?” She’d wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. She still did.

“First? Let’s get off the damn floor.” He hefted himself up and took her hand, helping her to her feet.

Murphy looked at him, put her hand on his arm, and stepped into his space. “Peter?”

“Yes, Murphy?”

“Can we …” she shivered. “Be done talking right now?”  
  
He groaned and kissed her.

***

Upstairs, Murphy stopped them. “Hold on,” she murmured. “I …”

He grinned and nodded. “Grab a towel,” he said. “I’ll be here.”

Murphy slipped back into the bathroom, pulled the tampon from her body, washed her hands, and grabbed one of the darker towels from the rack. Her hands shook like this was her first time, and a look in the mirror showed someone who didn’t deserve the way Peter looked at her. She looked tired and pale. But, he was clearly still interested in her - period cramps and all. She smoothed her hand down her abdomen, recalling a bit of wisdom her mother had given her once when her sixteen year old body had writhed with cramps. “A good orgasm always shakes those away.”

Rolling her eyes, Murphy grabbed the towel, the condoms from the medicine cabinet, and stepped back into the bedroom where Peter was waiting. He reached out, took the towel and the box from her, and pulled her back into his arms.

“I’ve missed you,” he murmured as his lips found hers. “I’ve missed you so much.”

Her arms went around his neck and she pressed herself to him. “I’ve missed you too.”

He nudged her back to the bed, stopping only to pull the comforter back and spread the towel out. She scooted back, bringing him with her. Peter leaned over and kissed her, gently opening the buttons on her top, revealing her breasts to his fingers. All of her self-guided tours of her body did nothing for how his hands moved over her, pushing the satin from her arms. Her legs parted and she welcomed his weight on top of her, pushed up against him as he pushed down, the movement now as instinctive as breathing for both of them.

Why had she pushed him out the door again? The reason felt so small, so inconsequential. A lost pregnancy? Avery was his son, and they both knew it. Tonight only reiterated it. Her hands found the button on his jeans and she opened them, reaching in to stroke his erection, groaning as he pushed into her hand.

He pulled back to tug her pants down her legs and she sat up to help him off with his jeans, stopping as her hands moved up the backs of his thighs. She leaned in, pressing her face into his hip, one hand stroking his half erect cock. She was terrified. It was stupid. This was Peter. But she still wasn’t sure how she looked to him, how he saw her. But his hand tangled in her hair. “Murphy …” he whispered, before pressing her back into the bed.

They made love in silence, the moments broken only by gasps and light curses, pausing only to adjust the towel under her and roll the condom down his length. She opened for him, completely, gasping as he entered her, clinging to him while he moved inside her, until she cried his name, low and aching as she climaxed beneath him. He thrust into her, harder, matching the quivering of her body, until he followed her over the edge and collapsed on top of her, still shaking.

“Peter?”

He pulled out and sat up to take care of the condom. “Yeah?” He asked, looking into her eyes. She blushed and reached for him again.

“I love you,” she said. “And I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.” He sighed and brushed her hair back. “Are you …”

“I’m fine. Better than, actually.”

“So where do we go from here?” He stared at her, asking the familiar question. “Because I can’t do limbo any more, Murphy and I know that this all felt so damn final, but if I can’t quit you any more than you can quit me, maybe we need to actually deal with the fact that we split up not because we had cold feet but because of the baby.”

“Peter …” tears pooled in her eyes as she ignored the entire point of what he was saying. It still hurt so much to even think about the baby. “I don’t know how to be someone’s wife.”

“I wasn’t asking you to be someone’s wife. I was asking you to let me be your husband. To make this arrangement legal. To have the right to adopt Avery.” He took a breath. “This relationship was never about living into other people’s ideas of us.” Another breath. “I’m not Jake, Murphy. I’m not walking out at the first sign of trouble. I’m not asking you to give up your life and come live mine. I’m not Jerry. I don’t forget about you the minute I get on a plane. I’m here. Right now. And all I wanted was for us to be together, as a family. I didn’t need flower girls or tuxedos. I just needed you.” He reached for her hand. “Murphy, we never dealt with the miscarriage together. We’ve still barely talked about it.”

“Peter …” she tried to rip her hand back but somehow found herself linking their fingers. “Peter, I lost the baby. And it’s so stupid because I knew it could happen. It was likely to happen. And then it did happen. It happened and you …” her voice caught. She didn’t want to talk about this. She didn’t need to talk about it. The reasons didn’t matter. He’d left. She’d screwed it up. But here she was, in bed with him, their hands linked, and the truth spilling from her like she was giving confession. “I was so angry at you for not being here and it was stupid and irrational because you had no reason to stay home but I was mad at myself and mad at you and all I could think was … if this could happen when we were apart, what else could happen?” She wiped her eyes. “I suddenly saw my mother, I saw Jake, I saw your mother … God, I saw Corky. Nothing made sense anymore.” She stared at their linked fingers, praying that he’s say something.

“I was mad too,” he admitted. “At myself, at the doctor, at you. I kept thinking that if you’d just stayed in bed … and it was irrational and stupid because you were fine. I was mad at your coworkers for not knowing, and for making you feel like you couldn’t say anything right away. I was mad at Frank.” They both chuckled at that one. “But that’s a normal day.” He took a breath. “I convinced myself you didn’t want to get married.”

“I just didn’t know how to.”

“There’s no rule book, you know.”

“It feels like there is,” she wiped her eyes. “I really am sorry about the baby, Peter. I didn’t want to get pregnant, but the idea of having a child with you … I was so excited. We only had a week to enjoy the idea, you know.”

“I mean it when I say that all I need is Avery, but … yeah. The idea of you being pregnant, it was exciting, Murphy. Our kid.” he let out a shaky breath. “She’d have been something, you know.”

“Yeah … she would have been.”

He wrapped his arms around her and she buried her face in his neck and burst into tears. Hard, angry, frustrated tears. But they clung to each other, letting the stress of the last four months crash through them.

This time when he kissed her, there was more than tender sadness behind the motion, more than the hope and prayer they could just come together. The passion built, slowly, still cautious though, still ready for the other to run from the moment.

“Where do we stand?” She asked as he pulled the sheet aside and pushed her robe from her breasts.

“I’m not going anywhere if you don’t want me to.” He smiled. “Except, you know, where they send me.”

She sighed and tucked her leg up around his. “That damn geography problem of ours … it’s a really good thing you’re worth waiting for.”

***

The knock on the door startled her and Murphy hurried to answer before Avery woke. Twenty four hours on antibiotics and he was feeling just better enough to be cranky. Right now, he and Peter were passed out together in the library and she didn’t want them waking up. She was exhausted and trying to get work done and if this was some Greenpeace canvasser, she was using them to make a new pair of shoes.

Instead, Frank stood on the step, dinner in hand. “Hey,” he looked almost sheepish. “I just wanted to check on you and Avery.”

She smiled and stepped back, taking dinner. “Thank you. This … helps.” She sighed. “Come on in.”

“How’s the little guy?”

“Sick and cranky. But better than yesterday, so that’s a good sign.” She collapsed onto the couch and opened the container of spring rolls.

Frank sat next to her and reached for a spring roll himself. “And how are you?”

She looked at him, one eyebrow raised. “Why?”

He took a breath. “Look, Murph. You’ve been a mess since you and Peter split and I didn’t want to say anything, but …I’ve been worried about you. Yesterday, I … I haven’t seen you that ragged since you were drinking.”

“You could have said this earlier,” she snapped, and instantly regretted it. It wasn’t his fault. “Frank …”

“What really happened, Murphy? Look, I meant it when I said that you and Peter should get married. And then it was over and you never talked about why. And really ..”

“No one asked,” she shrugged. “Not like it mattered at the time. It was just over.” She set the spring roll back in the container. “Which one was it, Frank? Which confidence booster was the real one? The one where you told me we were all wrong for each other or that I should have married him?”

A guilty look crossed his face. “You should have married him, Murphy. I’m not the biggest fan of the guy, but he made you happier than I’ve ever seen you. And he was great with Avery too.”

Murphy stood up and walked to the fireplace, drawing abstract designs on the wood of the mantle. “I’m really glad that you said that because Peter and I got back together last night,” she admitted. She glanced back at the hallway that lead to the library, but it remained empty.

“Wow …” she heard Frank suck in a breath. “That’s … unexpected.”

“Yeah …” she turned to him. “Look, Frank. I feel like there’s something you should know but … I don’t want you telling anyone, okay? And really, don’t tell anyone about me and Peter being back together either. It’s still really shaky.”

“What?”

“Remember Florida? The hurricane? The pregnancy test?”

Frank was a damn good reporter. He was better than most at reading body language and context. And it took him about 3 seconds to put it together. “No …” he whispered, standing up and walking to her. “You … really were? Why didn’t you say anything? Why the whole pretense? You told us you weren’t!”

“It’s more complicated than that. I didn’t think I was. I was spotting and it just … it was easier to believe that I wasn’t. And then Peter proposed, which knocked me sideways. But my symptoms didn’t go away, so I just took a test when Peter got back from Florida …” she blinked back the tears. “But that’s why we were trying to push it so fast - I didn’t want to go six rounds with the network about being unmarried again. Turns out it didn’t matter. About a week later, Peter was in Riyadh and I … well.” She sucked in a breath. “At that stage, it’s just like a heavy period, really.”

“How far along were you?”

“Eight weeks,” she bit her lip, trying to keep it under control. “Peter couldn’t get back and … it just built this wall between us. We couldn’t talk about it, we just focused on the wedding plans and … that’s why it all fell apart.” She wiped her eyes. “And after, we kept trying to talk but I was sure that I wanted to stay together because he is the only father Avery’s ever known and so … I just let it all fade away.”

Frank looked like he couldn’t breathe. “Murph … why didn’t you say anything?”

“You were in that motel room that day. I just didn’t want to get into it at the time.” She shook her head. “I wanted to say something, but we wanted to wait until after the wedding for any announcement. It was going to be obvious as it was …”

“You’ve been carrying this …”

“I have work and Avery …” she looked at him.

“And it wasn’t like your friends have been all that supportive.” Frank sighed and sank back into the couch. “Wow. I’m sorry. I think we were all just so shocked that you’d agreed to marry Peter in the first place …”

“We were together for two years, Frank. Why was getting married so surprising?” It made her feel better that Frank didn’t have an answer for her. She joined him on the couch. “God, I didn’t mean to dump this on you tonight.”

“It’s okay.”

“Can I ask you something?” She asked.

“Anything.”

She looked at him. “Where have you been?”

“What?”

“When you came over a few months ago, and told me I should marry Peter, you got talking about how you hadn’t been here. Well, where have you been? I’ve barely seen you outside of work since. You know you have an open invitation and Frank … it isn’t like Peter was in town a lot of the time as it was. So where have you been?”

He was quiet. “I don’t have a good answer. But you’re right.”

She shrugged. “It’s amazing how life gets in the way, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah,” he chuckled a bit. “Yeah it is. I’m sorry. I should have reached out sooner.”

“And I could have told you what was happening. It just hurt so much. It still does.”

“Where’s Peter?”

“Asleep in the library with Avery. He’s … we’re all tired.”

“Murph …” Frank laughed and shook his head. “Good. So last night, huh?”

She groaned and pressed her fingers into her temples. “But he came over last night because Avery couldn’t calm down and we started talking and …” a sigh escaped her. “And we realized that we’ve been really dumb.”

“Murph?”

“Yeah?” She looked at her best friend.

“Do you love him?”

She nodded.

“And does he love you?”

She nodded.

“Then stop overthinking and be with him.”

They shared a smile.

“Just … don’t tell anyone.” She sighed. “I really don’t want Corky in my business over this and … I need it to be me and Peter right now.”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Thank you.” She squeezed his arm. “I’m going to go check on the boys. Don’t go anywhere. You brought food and the Nintendo is still set up and if Peter’s awake, we can kick his ass at Mario.”

Frank laughed. “It’s a deal.”

She squeezed his arm and stood up, moving to check on Avery and Peter. They were both still asleep, Peter stretched out on the couch, Avery on his chest. Murphy shut the door to the library, adjusted the sapphire ring on her finger, and went back to join Frank in the living room.


End file.
